Mary Sue, Oh Screw You!
by Sassaphrass
Summary: The worst day of the Winchesters' lives began when a random monster appeared in a diner. Now they are on the run from a horrible beast trying to take what little of their sanity is left, and it's a race against time to figure out how to vanquish it. (Crack-ish fic).


**A/N: In case you were wondering, I decided to write this because I accidentally ran into a few Mary Sue fics recently, so I decided to read a few Sue - basing stories to cheer myself up. After reading a few, I figured "Hey, these look like it would be fun to write!". So low and behold, this baby was born! It honestly made me feel better writing it and hopefully you will feel better after reading it!**

 **And if it doesn't then you should eat bacon or cookies. Everyone loves bacon and cookies! Unless you're vegan, in which case life is probably very sad.**

 **And please, reviews are much appreciated. It doesn't matter if they are flattery (which is always enjoyable), constructive criticism, questions about this story, questions about my other stories, questions about references in my stories, or just questions about life in general, I will always be happy to help or receive help...or flattery, flattery is nice.**

 **WARNING: Language, violence, disturbing Mary Sue, you get the point.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, just the monstrous vile that dwells within this particular story.**

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Mary Sue, Oh Screw You!

Just like a McDonald's building, the unholy wretch came out of absolutely fucking _nowhere._

One minute Sam and Dean were happily munching away on their breakfast at the local diner while talking about the bizarre death that occurred across town, and the next minute they just happened to look up and find the most disgusting creature they have ever laid eyes upon sitting beside them like it was the most normal thing in the world.

The thing, whatever the hell it was, had a Kardashian ass and boobs the size of melons, both of which greatly contradicted with its oddly scrawny body. The boys had absolutely no idea how that was possible (but if Dean had to guess, he'd say it was from poor choice in plastic surgery).

The thing's clothing choice was a mixture of hilarity and revulsion, the boys couldn't really decide. It had a pair of jean shorts barely concealing its unnaturally large bottom with a bedazzled belt straining to hold them up. A pink and purple plaid shirt was rolled up and tied tightly just below its bosom to show off its flat stomach and well-endowed bust that strained against the fabric confining it (Sam winced at the poor mistreatment of the cloth). It also had a great surplus of shiny jewelry decorating its wrists, neck, and even its belly button.

Its thigh-length hair was a kaleidoscope of colors consisting of mostly blonde with pink, purple, and green highlights. Dean couldn't figure out if it was a result of the thing's psychotic personal choice, or if these teenage fashion trends were getting out of hand.

But above all, its face had to be the worst. Honestly, Dean had seen clowns with better taste in make-up. It had ruby lips that were probably ninety percent silicone, and a perfect nose that was definitely the result of a doctor. It had caked on pink plush and neon eyeshadow that could have come from a unicorn vomiting all over its face. The eyes were probably the strangest thing in all of existence. The left eye had a mixture of blue and violet with gold flakes scattered about, and the right eye was pink and green with silver flakes. Yep, they were _definitely_ some bizarre type of contacts.

The boys shook themselves out of their stunned stupor then glared daggers at the whatever-the-hell-it-was.

"What the hell are you and what do you want!?" Dean growled at their new 'guest'.

The thing giggled and spoke with a voice akin to a dying cat scraping its nails across a chalk board, "Oh, you silly goose! I came to help you with your quest!" It threw its hands in the air with a giant grin spread across its face like it just delivered the news of the century.

Sam stared at the thing like it grew three heads and started dancing the Macarena, while Dean gave it a glare harsh enough to melt diamonds. "Like hell we would ever let you help us! Now tell us what you are before I shoot you so full of holes that it would make swiss cheese jealous!"

The thing pouted and crossed its arms. "There's no need to be mean," It said with mock hurt lacing its annoyingly high-pitched voice. After the Winchesters gave it their trademark death glare, the thing huffed and rolled its eyes. "Fine! I guess I'll tell you since your just _sooo hot_!" It batted its overly long lashes at Dean while leaning towards the older Winchester and making a show of its endowed cleavage.

Dean looked at it like a two week old salad left at the bottom of a dumpster as he scooted away from the thing that no doubt carried a few too many diseases. Sam didn't know if he should laugh at his brother's unfortunate luck, or stare in disgust at the beast while taking a picture of Dean's glorious reaction to laugh at later. Unfortunately, Sam left his phone in the car so he decided to go with the first option by not-so-discreetly covering his mouth with his hand as he fought the rib-crushing laughter threatening to bubble up and ruin the moment.

The thing gifted, what it probably thought was, a sultry look to the elder Winchester as it tapped a perfectly polished (albeit disgustingly pink) nail on the table near Dean's plate. The thing gave Dean a wink before straightening up as it stared dramatically in the distance. Its squeaky voice took on a dramatically haunting vibe as it began to speak, "To fully understand what I am, you're gonna have to fully understand my past. It all started a very long time ago when two species decided to go into war becau-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Dean held his hands up as he interrupted the tedious monologue-ing before the irritating voice could melt his brain cells. "No one asked you for your biography. Now tell us what the hell you are before I decide to decapitate you in this restaurant full of children!" The elder brother could feel his eye twitch as he fought his need to strangle the bitch.

The beast blinked in confusion before rolling its multicolored eyes and sighing, "Omg, you are _sooo_ impatient! I had that speech like memorized and _everything_!" It pouted as it pushed a lock of pink hair behind its ear, "Whatever, it's not like it's that important. Anyway, I guess I should start with my name!" It held its hand out to Dean as a giant smile spread across its lips.

"Like, hello! My name is Mary Vioshiviolo Raven Antoinette Darksider Angel-wing McDiablo Von Reneshira Sue!" The grin grew with each syllable spoken, all the while its hand never fell as it practically begged for Dean to take it.

The brothers shared a confused and irritated look as they both scooted even further away from this psycho monster. Dean gave the monster a what-the-fuck look as he spoke with disgust lacing his voice, "What the hell kind of name is that!? Did your parents name you with a random word generator?"

The thing dropped its hand when it realized Dean wouldn't take it, then let out an obnoxious giggle as it answered, "Yeah, I know it's kind of long but it's like some kind of family-tradition type of thingy so it has to be long. But if it's too complicicated then you can just call me Mary!" It batted its eyes in a suggestive manor at Dean again.

The boys scrunched their faces up in revulsion at the very thought of calling this hideous _monstrosity_ the name of their beloved mother. In fact, they wouldn't even call it by _anyone's_ name. Especially Raven, leave poor Raven out of this.

Sam turned to the thing with a forced smile that barely hid his disgust as he tried to speak with a convincing tone, "But that's such a common name. How about we give you a different one like..um...Guano!"

While the beast thought over the name, Dean gave his brother a confused look before realization quickly dawned on him, which was shortly followed by a smirk as he understood Sam's plan.

"Hmm...Guano...Guano...It is kind of cool sounding. I like it!" Guano cheered as it approved of the new name. Well, at least it wasn't bright, that's for damn sure. "What about you, Deany? Do you like my new name?" It stared at the elder brother with expectant eyes.

Dean winced at the nickname but fought through as a fake smile spread across his face, " I think it's very fitting."

"Yaaayyy!" Guano cheered before jumping across the table and latching on to Dean's arm.

Dean looked like he was just groped by the Black Death with a side of leprosy as he fought to push the monster off of his arm with as little contact as possible.

After about two minutes of feeling violated, Dean managed to pry the thing off of his arm and push it back to its seat. Both of the brothers glanced around the room to see if they were drawing any attention, and sure enough...they weren't? What the hell!?

Dean growled at the monster before pulling out Ruby's knife from his jacket and pointing it at the wretch, not caring if he would draw attention or not. He was just sexually harassed, for God's sake! "You listen here. If you don't tell us what you are then I'm going to fillet you like a fish." His voice was deathly calm as he threatened the beast, a hidden rage present on his features.

The thing's eyes went cross-eyed as it stared at the knife pointed at its face. Guano blinked in confusion before it started to giggle. Before the boys could blink, the thing grabbed Dean's wrist and jerked it causing the knife to plunge into its throat with a smile across its face. The boys stared in shock as Guano pulled out the knife and the wound instantly healed, leaving nothing except a streak of blood ruining down its chest.

The Winchesters cursed their luck as the beast showed no sign of killing over, and instead it just giggled some more and clapped its hands.

"Well, that was fun," Guano's voice took on a playful tone, "But you can't kill me with that. Or any weapon because I'm...immortal!"

Oh what fresh hell was this? Out of anything that could have been gifted with immortality, why did it have to be _this_ annoying little mistake of nature. Well, at least the two hunters could have as many chances as possible to creatively slaughter its ass.

Dean wiped the blood off of his knife with a napkin while grumbling about how much life enjoys fucking them over.

"Are you going to tell us what you are already?" Sam finally snapped at the monster.

"Oh! Yeah, yeah! Of course!" Guano was bouncing in its seat like a down syndromed puppy. "Well if you must know, I'm a..." It took in a deep breath while pausing for dramatic effect

"Any day now." Dean grumbled.

"..." Its eyes widened while it continued to drawl out the moment.

Sam's eye started to twitch while Dean's grip on the knife strengthened. What the hell was this thing's problem?

"..." It was still pausing for dramatic effect.

"SPIT IT OUT ALREADY!" The boys finally yelled at the thing. And believe it or not, not a single person in the diner even glanced at them.

Guano pouted but quickly shook it off as a Cheshire grin spread across its face and it threw its hands in the air again. "I'm a Demon-Angel!"

The brothers sat in silence as they gave each other a look before staring in confusion at the beast.

"A what?" Dean asked.

"A Demon-Angel! I'm half demon and half angel with powers of both, but I'm like ten times stronger than any angel or demon." Guano stuck its nose up with pride as it explained.

Half demon, half angel? Seriously, what kind of bullshit was this!?

"Is that even possible?" Dean asked.

"Of course it is! I'm the example!" Guano cheered with its high pitched voice.

Sam knitted his eyebrows together as he tried to think about how that was even possible. "But that makes no sense. It's hard enough just for a nephilim or half-demon to exist, much less an angel and demon mixed breed. For one thing, every time angels and demons meet, they try to rip each other's throats out. I don't even think it's genetically possible. Besides, I doubt they would even want to...well, you know."

It giggled some more before answering, "Oh, you silly moose! I told you, I'm the example that it can happen. I'm the chosen one of the prophecy and was like destined to be born or something so that I can help you save the world!" It screeched the last few words and nearly took out the hunters' hearing. Jeesh, did this thing _ever_ stop squealing?

Sam's nostrils flared as he stared at the beast, "Yeah, I'm sorry but that's not gonna happen."

"Sure it is! 'Cause the prophecy said so!" It cheered again. Guano just didn't get it, huh.

"What prophecy are you talking about exactly?" Sam asked.

Guano stared at them with confusion before answering, "Omg! How do you not know? It's the Demon-Angel prophecy, duh! All the angels know about it."

The brothers stared at it incredulously as it continued to spout nonsense. "Yeah, I'm sure they do." Dean said sarcastically.

Sam cleared his throat and tried to put on a kind facade, but it still came out strained. "So um...Guano...what exactly does the 'prophecy' say?"

It perked up before rambling on again, "Well, I can't remember the exact words but it said something about a pure soul of evil and good blood must unite with the heroes and fight monsters and stuff. Then the pure soul's gotta like help save the world and everything. And I'm that pure soul!" It screeched the last sentence, making the boys wince and cover their ears to protect their hearing.

Sam rubbed his ears before asking, "So how are you this 'pure soul'?"

Guano looked offended as it stared at Sam like he just asked why on earth people like Frozen so much. "Who else could it be!? I'm obviously the purest on earth!" It squawked.

Dean bit back his laughter while Sam nearly chocked. "Yeah, you're pure alright." Dean said before the thing started cheering and nodding in agreement. The elder Winchester scoffed, obviously this thing didn't understand sarcasm.

"Anyway, now I have to travel with you so you can help me learn and then we can fight together!" It pumped a fist in the air before giving Dean a pleading look.

The Winchesters look like they just received news of having prostate cancer. Dean scowled before grumbling, "There's no way tha- You know what? Sure you can come with us!" A forced grin washed over his face.

Sam shot his brother a broken and confused look, wondering _why_ of all the shit that happened to them, Dean had to completely lose his sanity _now_.

The beast looked like it just won a pony as it jumped out of its seat and started cheering.

Dean waited for Guano to settle down before continuing, "Alright, since you're coming with us, you might want to get cleaned up before we hit the road. I don't want any blood in my car." Dean mentioned to the river of scarlet running down its neck.

Guano looked down at its chest as it seemed to just now noticed how much blood covered it. It looked over at the elder brother before saying, "Oh, you're right! I'm going to the bathroom to clean up. Stay right here 'til I get back, okay?"

"Don't worry, we will!" Dean waved at it until he saw Guano turn a corner. He released a breath he was unaware of holding before turning to Sam, "God, that was close."

Sam stared at his brother in shock before he smiled and let out a chuckle. "Dude, that was genius!"

"Damn right, it was. But we should really start running." Dean said as he stood from his chair.

"Oh, right!" Both of the brothers dashed through the diner like hell was nipping at their hills.

Every customer and employee stared in confusion at the two giant men running like wild kids through the restaurant. Oh, so they choose _now_ to start paying attention!?

They made it out the door and to the Impala before hell's bells rung through the air.

"Hey, boys! Don't forget about me!" The unholy spawn ran outside and clumsily jogged after them.

"Oh shit!" The Winchesters said in unison before jerking open the car doors and jumping inside. Dean fumbled with the key before he manage to put it in the ignition and then shift the car in drive. He pressed the gas peddle all the way to the floor and sped off towards the highway with a cloud of dust trailing behind.

Guano stopped after a few minutes of running in stilettos before it coughed away the dirt assaulting its nose. It snarled as it glared in the direction where the ugly, black, car thingy went and vowed to itself that this would _definitely_ not be the end.

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 **A/N: Wow, I honestly didn't expect it to be that long, but I guess more is better :) This is honestly my first time writing something like this so please review and tell me what you think.**


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